Skip to main content Skip to footer
WCU Senior Associate Athletics Director Fred Cantler Found to be Artificial Life Form

April 1, 2010

Cullowhee, N.C. - Fred Cantler, long-time staff member with Western Carolina Athletics, has been found to be an artificial life form. The discovery was made earlier this year when Mr. Cantler, a senior associate athletic director at WCU, was found sitting absolutely still at his desk. Realizing that Fred is never still and concerned for his health, a member of the athletic training staff was immediately summoned to the office. An initial examination detected an anomaly on the back of his head.

Upon further examination, it was discovered that the abnormality was actually a micro-switch that was hidden by what had been presumed to be a hairless scalp. As the trainers worked to more closely exam the irregularity, it moved back into what must be the "ON" position. At that time, Mr. Cantler immediately began to move and reached for his cell phone. The switch was then deactivated, returning Mr. Cantler to an inactive state and several federal agencies were notified of this bizarre situation.

While it cannot be verified by official sources, apparently Mr. Cantler is the result of a top-secret project funded by recluse Howard Hughes during the 1950's as a response the German V-2 rocket project during the Second World War. Hughes was as renowned for his wealth as he was for his brilliant yet unusual ideas. Hughes' engineers, apparently, discovered the early fundamentals of robotics and android science. There has been much rumor on such discoveries and they are often alluded to in Area 51 literature.

It is speculated that the Cantler being was an early prototype, though no evidence can be found of later models. Experts are astounded that mid-century scientists were able to design a humanoid form with such accuracy and provide it with a suitable and long-lasting power supply. Local theories have posited that the WCU School of Engineering Technology was actually a cover organization set up by a Hughes foundation to monitor and maintain the machine.

Local conjecture has taken many directions. Many friends and neighbors, all of whom refused to speak on the record, are almost unanimous in their amazement of this discovery. All describe Cantler with their highest admiration, though there evidently have been suspicions. As remarked by one co-worker, "I never thought he was human. The guy can`t sit still, and no one has ever seen him sleep. It just isn't normal."

Schedules

VIEW FULL SCHEDULES

OFFICIAL STORE

SPONSOR

PAWS SPOTLIGHT